In case you’re thinking that I am onto some kind of motivational post…….. you’re wrong!!! I am talking about the proverbial M syndrome that ails me every now and then!!! It is more now and more then……. so much that at times I am completely and totally living in a world of black and white. My exposure to people who are totally into the world of black and procrastination is definitely not helping. These days I keep oscillating pendulum like between GOOD AND BAD!!!

I guess you’re wondering about this proverbial M syndrome that I suffer from…… as I am sure you have never heard of it. It is this syndrome I developed after a very good friend of mine took me to task because I lost my temper one day…….. honest to God I don’t even remember the circumstances of the so called day in which I contracted the syndrome…… I plead amnesia !!! all I remember is that : I lost my temper, was accused of having anger management problems, and since then (Its been a very very long time) I have always held myself responsible for anything that happens around me……… people falling sick, maid not coming to work etc etc.

I don’t believe that I developed the syndrome overnight but the roots of it can be found in my childhood at school when the teachers chided me for things which were not my fault. I totally understand their point, specially because I know that it is difficult to manage a class of 80 or so students….. they are bound to make mistakes…… but that does not make me forgive them…… maybe someday……..

Flashback: In my third standard my class teacher Sr Bertilla divided all of us into groups for the GK class. One day the group leader asked us to meet at the certain location during the lunch break…… I had not finished my lunch so asked the group leader to go ahead and I would join them later. When I went back she told me I was late and I could not join in. The group leader who is now a very good friend of mine, went to Sr Bertilla and told her that I had told her that I did not want to join in. Sr took me to task and in front of the whole class took me to task citing that I was BAD etc etc and that I would not be included in any further activities……. well that was my first……. It did not even help that I topped in GK that year and have hated teachers all my life.

Years later a very good friend of mine refused to talk to me because the group of guys I hung around with were weird and had long hair and had notorious stories to their credit…… I was told that I should hang around with GOOD people and also that she could not be seen with me because my friends were BAD!!! I never dumped my friends for her but yeah I did not talk to her for years. I did not have time for snobs……… still don’t.

These days the people I meet are also totally negative. They are either slaves to their husbands or their kids or slave to their situations slaves to recession and career and money and their lives and do not want to work towards making it better rather live that way and curse their bad luck.

I do not understand the terms of GOOD and BAD. There is no RIGHT or WRONG in my dictionary. For me these things are totally ambiguous. There is good in bad and bad in good……. that is my perception!!! You can’t castigate somebody because they think or behave in a certain way. Every man’s behavior is based on years of experience. A person behaves in a certain way because according to him that is the right way to do things. What is good for me could be bad for somebody else and vice versa.

The problem is that for some reason we start viewing ourselves from the eyes of others…… the problem is not with what people think of you……. but what you think of yourself.

For years I thought it was a self esteem problem and I had my best friend make me stand in front of the mirror and do the I love myself act. It never worked because it wasn’t the problem. Earlier in life I used to do things and tell myself that everything is OK as long as my ma and pa believed in me……. I still think that but today additionally I think that I everything is OK as long as I think that it is OK!!! but somewhere deep in the heart there is always a MAY BE…….. Ma says that little bit of doubt in yourself keeps pride from going to your head and helps you in case of failures. I totally agree!!! The mantra here is to believe in yourself even when all others around you lose their faith in you!!! Every decision that you take in such crossroads is going to have effects which are both positive and negative. It totally depends on you how you take it and are able to turn things around!!!

Today I am again faced with the classic case of M syndrome of good and bad !!! If I take the easy way and do the right thing I get accolades but if I refuse I have years of work ahead of me but the satisfaction that I did not compromise with my ethics. I have lived with the satisfaction as till date I have never compromised on the ethical front…….. guess one more time but the temptation to bend is really too much….. but nope!!! I guess I will just have to believe in myself that I can do it again…… proverbial phoenix!!! and rise again!!! This time I am going to lose a full year of work but the experience of it remains with me that nobody can take from me……. guess if I can do it once I can do it again and again and again!!! But honestly I wish this would just stop and I wouldn’t have to reinvent myself every six months. Even I deserve a laid back life!!!