I….. ME…… MYSELF
Last month i went into deep depression i say deep because i couldn’t fathom the depth….. I lost sleep (me losing sleep is something of the ninth wonder of the world as I am nicknamed sleeping beauty by all who know me and I love my sleep) and totally lost my sense of humor. Humor was the only thing that had kept me going for years. The ability to laugh at myself at any situation was the one thing that kept me going at all times in all the travails of my life. I did not really judge myself on a daily basis but when confronted by the situations i stopped and asked and then since i could not really do anything about it, I just went on with my life saying “who cares” in reality though “i did care”. I will probably never be able to get over some things in life and have a lot of hangups about others but the amazing thing of all of this was that i could laugh at myself and then move on. I lost that last month…..
It is not unnatural for people to go into depression but mine is unique as this happened after a very long time (and ofcourse there is my SLEEP) or i actually touched the depths again after five years…… not that it did not happen in the interim time. It did….. but this time i guess i felt more bad – about deceiving nature of people, hypocrisy, back biting all the vices put together and for the first time i had a glimpse of the other world and for the first time i wanted more. Normally i never bothered but this time donno why….. probably health conditions or whatever, i went into it…… resulting into more bad health and more problems. I take pride in being a person who could laugh through hormonal injections…. but this time i could not ignore the nagging issues. I never had insomnia before. I LOVE my sleep. It is really bad!!! and I sympathise with everybody who have it. It makes you MAD.
This phase stayed with me for a very long time……. all my hubby’s and family’s efforts to get me back to my normal life was in vain. The look just would not leave my eyes. It was almost opaque and lost. I really dont know if it is too much to ask for from life…. a little bit honesty, a little bit empathy, a little bit of tolerance…….. world is full of people of all kinds….. so to live in here u have to sometimes take a step backward, sometimes help others to take a step forward. That is all life is all about…. That is entirely my perception of how the world moves. But again i live in an insulated world….. I say what i believe in and do not do anything my conscience does not allow me to do….. I never have done in the past will never do so in the future…… guess i am wrong!!! I am not going to be all judgemental about people as i have no right in doing so. I normally see things in grey….. but then again as my hubby reminds me again and again i have the luxury to do so…. very few people have that……. i am lucky that my life has given me the luxury to decide what i want to do. Ya i am lucky….. so i guess it was all about self pity!!!! I…. ME…. MYSELF
Yesterday as i surfed channels I came accross some soaps and they were hilarious…. as usual i smiled and then i laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Then i cried and then again laughed!!! They maybe not so funny but i guess i had reached the wall and there was absolutely no way to go ahead so i came back. I really needed that. It felt nice and really good. Laughter is the one thing that life has to offer to you in terms of a breather from mundanity and anything else that is depressing. Laughter is an audible expression, or appearance of merriment or happiness, or an inward feeling of joy and pleasure. Laughter is a part of human behaviour regulated by the brain. So incase your brain short circuits – laugh. It really helps. Sometimes even false attempts at feeling happy and smiling help. You just have to convince yourself that one day you will be doing it for real. Sort of helps you to tide through the most difficult time. The keyword here is never giving up on yourself as that is the only thing anybody has. Nobody can help another unless they wish to help themselves.
Happiness in general is the element that never fails you. I am talking abt the happiness that emanates from within you…. your soul. It is peace that gives that to you, the way to reach your soul. So the path is to look within yourself, relax, declutter your thoughts, establish a chain of thought and then find the peace in that and then you really dont need soaps to make you laugh. That is a little difficult to achieve as right now my mind is cluttered but i am sure that i will do that as well. But in the mean time laugh with the soaps and honestly whatever works to tide you through the bad times is fine. But the final achievement is to achieve the peaceful happiness. My aunt looked once at me and said that “tui onek chonchol hoy gechish” i guess that said it all.
There is a lot of peace in routine. There is a chronological order in that and it always starts and stops in the same places…. no surprises!!!The whole problem comes in when there is a disturbance in the routine. You cant really avoid them. So I guess balancing both statements it is necessary that all disturbances and surprises be dealt with as though it is part of the routine. So when I ask somebody “hows life??” and they reply “usual” or “same boring”, I want to scream at them and tell them “you lucky dog you should appreciate what you have!!!” Boring is good !!! boring is soooooo goooood !!!!
I wont say i am back but i guess i have taken the first step towards life….. I think i could not have achieved this if i didnt wish to……. My ma always says laugh and talk “moner kalima muche jay” I totally agree ma!!!! you r the best and thanks for supporting me through all of this…. I couldnt have done this without you by my side!!! I guess that is what mothers are for. I cant live without mine and everytime i have a problem i no there is somebody in this world i can turn to for sure…. of course there is Rajdeep. 🙂 .
As the song goes “zindagi aa raha hoon main”
Moral of the story : keep away from self obsessed worms and creeps and all insects of the world and if u have to, carry an insect repellant or better still apply an insect repellant so that no insects can harm you, Prioritise and last but not the least laugh everyday!!! and very important “SLEEP” (I couldnt forget that !!!)