I adopted a virtual dog yesterday in farmville in facebook and the whole night yesterday I kept dreaming……. not good dreams……. about cookie…… my Alsatian dog……. more like a brother to me. I lost him years back but I think I havent had closure yet…… else why would I wake up today feeling that he was at my friends place, playing with her pet. It took me a whole one hour to get myself together and convince myself that I saw his body and that he was sick and he died on my lap, I saw him being buried and I went often to his burial…… but it still does not work. Closure is very difficult !!! I havent achieved it yet. But since then I generally hope that everybody remain immortal….. at least all the people I know. It can happen to anybody else but not to me. Ostrich syndrome again but what the heck I am what i am…….. It is not that I didn’t try. My ma made me read Geeta and a lot of other books to get me a perspective about such things but it hasn’t worked. I still believe it can happen to others not to me.

I am not afraid of my death or of dying but that of my loved ones. I cant fathom a life without them. A friend today asked me a question that if you haven’t made peace with somebody and you die in your sleep what will you do. Okay that made me shiver!!!! I am still shivering thinking about it. I am no coward……. never have been one. I can look in the eye and give back as good as I get (usually) but I cant help shivering at this thought. I just pray that nobody goes through it EVER.

Coincidentally I was watching this programme on television in which a man was answering some questions about life and death he said that like people change rented homes the soul changes bodies and it is as simple as that. When asked abt the intervening period about people dying untimely death…… he said that if the soul had not yet found the next body or the next body was not ready it would wait…. just like homes when we don’t get another home we wait in the old one and leave it once we get another. At times the owner throws us out and we have to be on the road till our next house is ready……. eerie but it didn’t absolve my fears. It was kind of God’s way of trying to make me understand why else would it have been telecasted on the same day but God has to really try harder…… I am not convinced!!! I have no idea why I am blogging about it but I just am!!!! If you found it depressing as me, I just want to apologise, but for me this is a medium of expression about things that I cannot talk about.

I read another depressing book about battered women and domestic violence. Though I did enjoy the part where even the men get beaten. Can you beat that. Men getting beaten by women…… the picture that comes to mind is belan and jhadu!!!! but jokes apart I think women are one species who cant afford to be weak because she has the added responsibility of children on her. If the mother is scared the children will always be scared and scarred for life. They just have to find the strength inside them to fight against all odds. Of what I read I think being practical helps. My ma was always the one to throw me out at hurdles when they came…… she told me that she and my father were always there with me but I had to fight my own battles…… I did !!! lots of big ones and small ones. I lost a lot but I also won some. At times amputating a rotting organ is always advised……… that applies to battered men as well…… but the cartoon of the belan image still stays!!!!

But one thing is for sure…….. I am definitely not getting a pet ever!!!!!…… they die on you!!! and I still wont be able to talk lightly of death!!!

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  1. Reply
    Sucharita Sarkar May 15, 2010

    This is too serious a post to comment lightly. I feel for you.

  2. Reply
    Kavi May 15, 2010

    I share teh feeling. I had a pet dog too ! And the separation was not something that i could take easily..


  3. Reply
    Smita May 14, 2010

    I honestly don’t know what to say besides take care.

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