Alienation and hate

Alienation and hate make loners of people. Time and again in life I have been alienated…….. sometimes because I was not the right color or the right gender or the right person what people expected of me. Did that hurt me??? Initially yes….. I think the first I remember is when a friend’s mother forbade her to play with me. Reason: I used a bad/foul word. I can’t exactly remember the bad word or the context that it was mentioned in but yeah I remember feeling very bad. I remember feeling very shamed and crying and feeling very alone and not being able to talk about it. That is the first time in my life when I wished that I had died and did not live. I was four or five years of age then. I don’t think that I have ever mentioned this to anybody in life ever but yeah that hurt I can still feel. The hate is still fresh and the way I hated myself still there. It’s like going in a time machine and years of your life just vanishing and I am that same little girl. I had never before that day felt that kind of pain before that sense of condemn.

Years later when in school when a teacher wrongly picked me for something I had not done only because somebody wanted to hurt me because they did not like me, the teacher told everybody to do without me and told me that she wanted to see how far I could go without help. I took the challenge and did much better than most but the sense of alienation never left me. It hurt when friends singled me out for something I did not do. I don’t think the teacher or the classmate of mine who did that to me can ever imagine what that did to me. Yeah it made a loner of me for life!!!! Today I feel more comfortable typing on my computer than ever talking about it and even when people tell me that they hate me I soooo readily accept it……. It is kind of amazing. I don’t take that of another issue.

If I were to rationalize and count as to how many people I know of who truly hate me I would need a counter and a ticker. Does it bother me……. Yeah it does and if I ever enter a popularity contest I would probably get sub zero votes or even hate votes asking for me to be ousted……… but I don’t cry bucketfuls any more. Yeah but if the list of likes and especially loves start moving to the list of hates then that still takes me back to that first day when I sat alone in my garden in the darkness and cried so that nobody would notice and hoped that I just vanished.

Moral of the story: Don’t judge people whoever they are and whatever they do!!! You never know how much you scar them.

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